As a kid, the idea of getting stuck in quicksand was somewhat of an obsession. There was something foreign yet fascinating about the idea of simply going for a walk one day, stepping off a path, and ending up trapped, slowly watching your fate with little you could do about it. Obviously, ‘The Wild Thornberrys’ is partially to blame for this irrational fear.
Today, feeling stuck in the muck of life isn’t far off from what I’d imagine the experience of getting stuck in quicksand feels like. The more you fight it, the faster you sink. But if you stand still, the direness of the situation slows down with you. The reality is that the worst of the damage is done in your mind as you’re frantically thinking: how on earth am I going to get out of this alone?
What does it mean to feel stuck? The way I look at it, there are two opposite ends of the stuckness spectrum:
You’re running and running and running in place and getting nowhere.
The sensation that the world keeps moving, but you stay in the same place.
For many of us, we were introduced to this emotional state during the pandemic. The ‘blah’ feeling. Trouble concentrating. A lack of excitement for what’s to come. “A sense of stagnation and emptiness,” as renowned author and organizational psychologist Adam Grant put it in his 2021 New York Times article about the phenomenon. There’s actually a word for it: languishing.
Languishing: A state we can find ourselves stuck in; characterized by dissatisfaction, lack of engagement, and apathy.
So…a prettier word for ‘stuck.’ I love it. Sociologist Corey Keys coined the term and explored the concept in depth in his book ‘Languishing: How to Feel Alive Again in a World That Wears Us Down.’ Keyes uses an interesting metaphor to explain the experience in the Hidden Brain podcast episode ‘Why You Feel Empty’:
“Imagine yourself on a flight and you’re going somewhere and you’re almost there but suddenly you can’t land and you spend hours and days and months just circling and you start to feel like you’re never going to get to where you want to be and you can’t go back to where you started. So, you start to feel stuck, loss of control. There’s no use of feeling mad because it won’t solve any problem so you don’t feel anything negative, but you sure don’t feel anything good.
The plane isn’t crashing, nothing terrible is happening, and you don’t have much control over what’s happening, so all you can do is sit and wait. It’s a condition of stillness. While the plane continues to move, you can’t move. You’re simply waiting “to be where you wanted to be. It puts people in a position of feeling less than human because human beings need to feel this sense of agency or to feel alive.”
Oftentimes, the experience of languishing or feeling stuck isn’t a result of being depressed, but closer to the feeling of when you meet a goal or make it to the top and it just doesn’t quite look or feel like you expected it to. It’s a disconnect from the people, the places, and progress around you.
Feeling stuck often leads us to look around and feel like everyone else is soOoOoOo happy and productive. It might be a feeling of emptiness for no particular reason. You keep trying to put your finger on it but can’t find the pulse.
For years and years and years, I’ve found myself fixated on trying to figure out the cheat codes to achieve happiness and fulfillment. Look around! We are breathing, thinking bodies that have created an entire world and have devised a million systems throughout history that we superimpose on ourselves. Then you zoom out and consider the fact that this society of nearly 8 billion people is living on a massive hunk of rock hurling through space every second of every day. Guys, black holes exist. How magnificent is it that we are here at all?
And yet, due to our infinitely complex and often contradictory brains, it’s so easy for us to get caught up in the minutiae of everyday life. We forget the bigger picture, that we are all connected, and the importance of the most meaningful parts of life because we get absorbed by the drama in the details. Don’t even get me started on our natural inclination to overly focus on the bad things. We are literally hardwired to be negative.
The Secret Ingredients to Getting Unstuck
When it comes to happiness research, the top tips and tricks tend to revolve around a handful of core themes — movement, socialization, fresh air, mindfulness, laughter, music, novelty, participating in the world around you, nurturing curiosity and creativity, physically grounding yourself, and connection. Many of these ideas are rooted in the profound act of shifting awareness out of your mind and into your body and the beauty around you. The more present you are, the more time you spend focusing on what’s in front of you rather than on a screen or the endless feedback loop playing in your head.
The amount of research supporting these themes across the happiness and fulfillment spectrums is astounding. But perhaps no one has put a solution to stuckness so crystal clear as psychiatrist Phil Stutz in the incredible Netflix documentary ‘Stutz’, directed by and starring Jonah Hill. The film democratizes access to Stutz’s profound and proven visual therapy techniques, walking the audience through practical, digestible tools and perspectives on how to drive ourselves forward when we’re feeling down.
The first step?
Motion is the ocean, baby. Get moving. Stutz didn’t say it in so many words (but I know he agrees.)
His response regarding how to help turn it around is simple and direct: “All you gotta do is get your body working better, and it always works. The most classic thing is not exercising. Diet is another one, and sleeping.”
In fact, he goes as far as saying that just focusing on those three things is enough to get you 85% of the way there when it comes to driving yourself out of a funk.
The next?
You’ve got to change it up.
In the episode ‘Making the World Sparkle Again’ on Hidden Brain, neuroscientist Tali Sharot addresses the importance of looking at things with fresh eyes when it comes to our tendency to get used to the things around us.
She has found that variety is something that can enhance our psychological experiences. “Making small changes in your environment enhances your creativity — now the effect is small, creating about six minutes of spark. But sometimes, that’s all you really need to get going. To get unstuck.”
She introduces the idea of ‘dishabituation,’ which is starting to respond again to something you had stopped responding to because it’s always around you.
“Variety means we habituate less things. It counters it. If you have variety in your life, it always involves learning. Learning means there is a change, and you can’t get used to learning,” said Sharot.
We tap back into our senses by creating more firsts and novel experiences. It also generally forces us to put ourselves out there and helps us to rediscover the things that bring us joy.
The last?
Lastly, have patience with yourself. We‘re ever-evolving beings, and most of life happens in the in-between. Life isn’t just highs and lows. Sometimes, it’s the middle moments that make us feel the most uncomfortable. We don’t like it when we don’t feel some sense of direction or satisfaction.
A Wee Little Meditation Moment:
You’re right where you need to be — on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today. Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone. right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.
There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.
If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around. You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.
-‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie
Maybe the inability to find the right direction is serving as a reminder that only you can figure out how to fill your cup. Embrace the feeling of new possibilities and change. Use this feeling as inspiration to do some digging to find what gives you energy and excitement.
But we’re humans; we can’t just be left with such a simple takeaway and call it a day! We need action items, people! We must choose to do the little tiny things that will slowly but surely start to shake things up for us and provide us with a different result. So thus, I present to you 50 tangible, tiny ways to start pulling yourself out of the quicksand of life.
50 Ideas for Getting Unstuck
Go on a walk.
Go on a walk and call a friend.
Drive a different way to work.
Take a cold shower. Let out some yelps as needed.
Savor your meal with no distractions. Let your mind wander, then come back to the food.
Go swimming. Really feel the water between your fingers.
Journal. Writer’s block? Start by simply making observations about the space around you.
Go to a national park. You will feel awe. It will be great.
Move your body like a weirdo. Flail your arms, wiggle your legs, do fire feet.
When something unfortunate happens, tell yourself, “That’s showbiz, baby.”
Try something you’ve never done before.
Go to an adoption event and play with puppies.
Do a paint-by-numbers.
Go to a comedy show.
Literally look up. Uncrank your neck. Check out what’s up there; absorb the new perspective.
Relax your shoulders.
Turn off the TV — seriously.
Go to a modern art museum and talk about how you totally could have made that. Then, go home and make one. You can get the supplies for cheap at the dollar store (a small canvas, a couple of paint colors, and a paintbrush or two).
Take a deep, long breath. Do it again. Okay, one more time.
Take a hot bath and play music you know all the words to.
I cannot stress the power of this one enough: put headphones in when you are doing mundane tasks around the house and turn it into a dance party for one. Whatever genre gets you going is perfect. I’m currently breaking it down to DJs. Let your body move freely, wave, shake, and strut your body however it feels most natural to you.
Sit in the grass with your shoes off.
Go to an open mic night at a coffee shop. Or anywhere.
Take up gardening.
Download Skillshare or Masterclass. It’s low-risk access to endless video tutorials for all sorts of different skill sets.
Pick some cool leaves from outside and use them as an outline for art (whatever that means!)
Go to Trader Joe’s, pick out a few cheap flowers, and build your own arrangements at home. Scatter the vases around the house.
Plan a trip to the ocean. Let the salty water wash over you, a cleansing from Mother Nature.
Go to a concert and look around at the crowd. Remember that you are part of a collective group that all digs the same music.
Go to an art gallery opening (alone???). Try to meet a new friend.
Do neck circles…very, very gently; we are delicate these days.
Change up the pictures around your house. Reminisce while picking the winners. There are decent gold 5x7 frames at Dollar Tree. Bam! Refresh.
Go to a deep stretch or yin yoga class.
Pick up that instrument you’ve been meaning to.
Meditate. The Calm app has a great 30 day “How to Meditate’ course.
Sing karaoke, ah!
Dance in a sprinkler.
Listen to Harry Styles. IDK, guys, it just seems to work.
Go to the library and see if you can discover something inspiring to take home.
Drive with the windows down—bonus points for scream-singing.
Plan a weekend trip to go see that friend you’ve never visited but have been meaning to for years.
Go to a sound bath!!!!!! Just look it up and go. It’s chill, you’ll like it.
Look back at pictures from a wonderful experience you had recently.
In fact, take more pictures of things you like. It helps you to pay attention.
Maybe try to get off social media for a little bit??? Or atleast try to spend a little less time scrolling???
Stretch while you sip your morning coffee.
Go to a movie alone.
Write someone a love letter.
Write yourself a love letter.
May you find some fun and fulfillment along the way.
Stay wild.